Pat the bomb, push the button! And home by dinner.

After the trip to Pervomaysk, the Cold War era underground nuclear missile facility a three hour drive from Kyiv, I believe my (post)Soviet kitsch tickets are spent for awhile. The trip was organized by Nova Mova, my language school in Kyiv, and we set off one Saturday morning at 7am with other students from the school, mostly US and British military officers and cadets.

Ukraine.com describes Pervomaysk as such:

Pervomaysk was standing third in line, behind the United States and Russia, for the title of most powerful and dangerous nuclear weapons hotspot. On the outskirts of this mining town stood missile silos that were loaded with nuclear arms. These weapons included over seven hundred tactical warheads, SS24 missiles and SS19 missiles - quite a large arsenal for such a small town. Most of the warheads were facing the American shores. After years of negotiation with both America and Russia, Ukraine agreed to destroy their weapons of mass destruction. On 4 June 1996, the first sunflowers were planted where the mighty silo once stood.

After walking past some decommissioned missiles, we got a look at the Museum of Strategic Missile Troops (which you can find out more about, including how to find it independently, here). A retired General, who had worked at the base during its operation, was our guide, and gave us stats on a litany of missiles. Andrei, an administrator at our school, tirelessly translated the minutia as we stood and stared at paintings and models like the following.





Statistics about the number of missiles and their respective capabilities were flying, and of course it was all Greek to me (Это для меня китайская грамота!) but I stared like a codfish regardless. Even after two years debating issues of nuclear weapons (the weapons of mass destruction topic in high school and the treaties topic in college), I knew this was serious stuff and not merely a tourist attraction...but it seemed so surreal. I felt a bit Nuclear Language and How We Learned to Pat the Bomb, if that can be used as a adjective. (Sure, my references here are a bit dated, but we're talking about the Cold War, aren't we?) Look how cool that diagram is! Look how big that missile is! We actually get to push the button?




The missile control base was built 12 stories underground to protect the crew in the case of an attack. We took turns in small groups going down to the control room with Andrei and our guide. The control room was surprisingly small; I cannot imagine how it would feel to fit in such a small room with such a monumental duty. Before I even knew what was going on, Andrei was prodding me into the chair for a photo opp. I put on the seat belt and he handed me the phone.


"Don't like a boyfriend in New York?" he joked, laughing. "Push the button!" I pointed my finger at it, but strapped in as I was I couldn't reach it.